It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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