A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
