No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
