Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
