I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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