she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
