I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
