Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
