Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
