i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
