I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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