nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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