3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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