Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
