i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
