I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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