You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
