I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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