it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
