Your face is a jimmy john
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
