I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
