I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
