apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
