i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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