Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
