Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
