see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
