the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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