Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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