There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
