what day is it and did you see me today?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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