I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm passing your future prison.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
