You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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