had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
