I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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