see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Your dad touched me again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
