I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
