My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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