I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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