I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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