On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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