Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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