so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
sex in a hospital.. check
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
