He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
