I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
