I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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