so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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