Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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