You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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