he shaved USA in his pubs
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
