Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
