I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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